Dr. Neil Clark Warren: You Evil Genius

Well, finding a husband is turning out to be much more work than I anticipated.

The last time I was on eHarmony, more than a year ago, I had over 400 failed matches who either closed me out, or I closed them out. About 10 percent of those matches resulted in infamously awful, horribly mismatched first dates. First I maxed out all the matches in "my metropolitan area," followed by "my geographic area." Then I expanded my search until I maxed out all the matches in "my country," and finally, "my world."

When I decided to resume my search this January I didn't know what to do since I had already maxed out all of my matches in the only search engine I know of to try and find a husband. I mean, where do you look when you've already maxed out all your available matches on planet Earth? The odds just seemed against me.

So I decided to retake my personality profile. Maybe the first time I did the 45-minute-long eHarmony question and answer session I was still bitter and cynical over the demise of my last relationship. Maybe my 29-points of compatibility were off.

I began my re-examination by doing an hour of yoga followed by consuming two packets of Emergen-C energizing drink back to back. Then I ran to my computer and began, trying to be my most positive self the whole time.

I was pretty happy with the results of my new personality. I scored "very curious," "very focused," "intellectual," "imaginative," "self-disciplined," "logical," duty-bound," "driven," "strategic," "orderly," "candid," and "realistic." That all sounds good to me.

Unfortunately, I am once again having horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible luck.

Men seem only too eager to meet for coffee once we reach the stage of "open communication" and then only too eager to leave once they meet me in person. I think that perhaps they walk in expecting to see their dream wife, who is perfect in every way, and instead they get me. :(

I try not to let it get to me that I've been closed out by so many men. Deal breakers for them have included that I don't salsa dance, don't scuba dive, don't water ski, don't jet ski, don't downhill ski and am not interested in riding a motorcycle.

I think perhaps I might be too business like and formal during the first date and am not very good at flirting when I've only known someone in person for a few minutes. I suspect that most of the guys on eHarmony are used to the bar scene and since I don't go to bars I'm not hip to that communication style.

It makes me sad. I think I'm going to let my membership expire next month and then try again in 2008. Maybe I'll have better luck next year.