The 2006-07 Dating Season is Now Closed - Game Over Players!

Today is Memorial Day, which marks the end of the 2006-2007 eHarmony Dating Season. I've canceled my membership (my last match can only be referred to as "balloon-hat-wearing weirdo" and last night's date shall henceforth be referred to as "open-fly guy.")

I think that at between 5-7 new first dates a week I've given it a good run. Perhaps that sounds like a lot? It is. I'm exhausted.

I just see no reason to date between Memorial Day and Veteran's Day. The weather is too nice and I've made an entire list of places where I intend to go sea kayaking, hiking, fishing and road tripping between now and then. I'm happiest when I'm in the mountains or out on a sea kayak anyway and all these dates are doing is keeping me from that. Besides, I need to renew my Wilderness First Aid Certification this year and take a sea kayak rescue refresher course. I have a whole list of things all this foolishness has been keeping me from doing.

I told my mom about my eHarmony cancellation when I was out at the farm on Saturday getting some rhubarb. She nearly fainted.

This season wasn't a complete waste though, I did learn a few things about my own dating style. Most importantly was that perhaps I need some new dating moves. Consider the stats:

Eharmony first dates for the 2006-07 dating season: 57.
Eharmony second dates for the 2006-07 dating season: 2
Men who took off physically running when I tried to initiate an OMK (open mouth kiss): 3
Successful OMKs: 0
Longest number of dates with a match in an attempt to score an OMK: 10

The 10 Date Eharmony Match: A Case Study

Date #1: "Match A" a 37-year-old Portland attorney. We each consumed our own hot beverage at Moonstruck Chocolate followed by me walking "Match A" safely to his car since it was raining and he was not familiar with the neighborhood. Handshake exchanged.

Date #2: Gelato followed by Match A turning left to walk himself to his car and me turning right to walk to mine.

Date #3: Repeat of Date #2.

Date #4: Repeat of Date #3.

Date #5: Repeat of Date #4. (Okay, I was in the mood for gelato, so sue me.)

Date #6: Brunch at Bijou followed by me grabbing Match A by the arm as he started to walk across the street to his car. Gave him an awkwardly positioned half-hug. He thanked me for the hug and drove away.

Date #7: Decided to get Match A good and liquored up so I could put the moves on him. So we went to a wine shop for some tastings. Eight samples of wine later I gave him a peck. He said he felt dizzy from all the wine and went home.

Date #8: Match A and I met at OMSI where he got nauseous looking at the 0-9 months fetal development exhibit and I told him that the giant rubber anaconda on the floor could probably eat his whole cat in one gulp. We played some mind-bending puzzles in the OMSI bookstore. I won.

Date #9: I cooked Match A dinner. Match A freaked out when I turned down the lights in an attempt to create softer mood lighting after we were done eating.

"What are you doing?" he asked while standing up.

"Oh, the light was just bright in my eyes," I said trying to play it cool.

Then Match A said he was having really bad allergies, was tired and not feeling well. He gave me a peck on the cheek and was out the door in a flash.

That brings us to date #10: Match A and I had dinner at Paley's Place followed by him giving me a peck on the cheek and turning to walk to his car.

"Hey, how about you walk me home?" I said.

"Oh, okay," Match A said and grabbed my hand.

"Good sign!" I thought.

So then we get to the front of my apartment and he gives me a peck and says "Thanks, I had a really great time."

"Yeah, me too..." I said and moved in for the OMK (open mouth kiss), to which he responded by pressing his lips tightly together!

So then I grabbed the back of his head with both of my hands and tried to force an OMK on him while he was pressing his lips as tightly together as he could and he was going "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!"

Then my neighbor walks out the front door looking at us like WTF?

Then Match A stumbles back and says, "thanks, I had a great time," and ran away. Yes, literally ran. That was the third eHarmony Match who literally took off running from me just because I tried to initiate a lunging/sweeping kiss on them.

Frankly, it's a little discouraging. I've gone through 3 boxes of Crest White Strips to enhance the sparkling cleanliness of my mouth, so I know that's not the problem. I even did a lip buffing and moisturizing plumping treatment prior to most of my dates to enhance the likelyhood of an OMK.

And so I put the 2006-07 eHarmony dating season behind me. It's a bit of a relief to be done with it. Now I can finally start having some fun for a change. Today I have packed my oyster shucking knife and am off to road trip with my own self and consume about 3 dozen oysters, sucked down raw straight out of the shell. That's just the the kind of thing that would make any of my eHarmony matches pee their pants.

The summer has begun!

Currently reading :
SAS Survival Handbook: How to Survive in the Wild, in Any Climate, on Land or at Sea
By John Lofty Wiseman
Release date: By 02 March, 2004

A Guide to Dating the Portland Metrosexual

After dating no less than 42 Portland Metrosexuals over the past 2 years, I feel compelled to issue a 411-S.O.S. to my fellow female daters in the Portland Metropolitan Region. This is specific to Portland Metrosexuals. San Francisco Metrosexuals, my other specialty, are an entirely different species.

Warning: You can never please a Portland Metrosexual, but you can sure exhaust yourself trying.

1. Portland Metrosexuals might appear to be urban-outdoor hybrids, until you get them out into the actual outdoors. "Hiking" to the Portland Metrosexual does not involve stepping on any actual dirt. I have learned the hard way, and with substantial disappointment, that their idea of "hiking" involves places like the paved trails around Mount Tabor or Washington Park - for say, an extended period of 30 to 40 minutes. Yes, they will be wearing hiking boots and carrying a large bottle of Metromint to help them survive the occasion.

Think you can take matters into your own hands and force the Portland Metrosexual to go "off road"? Consider this conversation I had with one Portland Metrosexual after a kindergarten-level hike up Multnomah Falls.

"You have dirt on your pants," the Portland Metrosexual said pointing.

"Yes," I responded. "That's because we're in the woods."

2. Like food? Get ready for the Portland Metrosexual to question the carb count of anything you try to feed them. Also be prepared for them to blame you for any increase in their waistline. Dessert? Forget about it. They won't touch the stuff even if you are a professionally trained pastry chef. Not even a nonfat panna cotta! (Yes, gross, I know, but desperate times...) Southern cuisine? BBQ? Wonderfully rich dishes that melt in your mouth like butter? Don't even think about it, sister!

3. Think you look pretty hot in that new dress you just purchased on NW 23rd? Think again. The Portland Metrosexual will have you doubting whether you ever looked decent in anything a day in your life. Prepare to hear comments such as:

"Interesting choice of shoes. Do you really think they go with that outfit?"

"Uh, is that what you're wearing?"

"I didn't know they were selling that style again."

4. Cleanliness and hygiene are crucial to the survival of the Portland Metrosexual and your mouth is filthy! Red-flag remarks I have heard during first dates include, "It's really important to me to have a clean living environment to come home to. How do you feel about that?" or "Personal hygiene is very important to me. I typically shower at least twice a day. What about you?" or "Do you think I should have my teeth whitened a shade lighter?"

It's this fear of unhygienic conditions that will also result in you wondering why the Portland Metrosexual still hasn't kissed you after date three. Just remember, it's not you, it's your mouth, your filthy, filthy mouth. There are germs in there!

5. Prepare to have more sex than you ever thought humanly possible... with yourself.